ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX...
SHAKE IT, DUDE!
[ ?????? ]
[ Moaning ]
[ ?????? ]
HAS ANYBODY HEARD FROM BRIAN?
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH HIM ALL DAY.
ME TOO, BUT HE HASN'T RETURNED ANY OF MY CALLS.
I HOPE HE'S ALL RIGHT.
I WONDER HOW THE CONDEMNED MAN'S SPENDING HIS FINAL HOURS?
DOING PENANCE? DOING DRUGS.
DOING AS MANY GUYS AS HE CAN?
All: BINGO.
MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T GO THROUGH WITH THIS.
HE MADE IT CLEAR HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE REMINDED.
WE'RE NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MENTION IT.
IT COULD GET UGLY. REALLY UGLY.
STILL, IT IS AN EVENT OF HISTORIC PROPORTION.
LIKE THE MOON LANDING, OR THE FALL OF COMMUNISM.
IT IS OUR DUTY AS FRIENDS TO COMMEMORATE IT.
AND MAKE SURE HE REMEMBERS IT.
ALWAYS.
All: [ Chuckling ]
[ Moaning ]
[ Clanging of alarms ]
[ ?????? ]
Michael: BRIAN!
HELLO IN THERE.
WAKE UP, SLEEPY HEAD.
Brian: WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?
OH, YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T HEARD?
IT'S THE LAST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Brian: DID I DIE?
NO, BUT YOU'LL WISH YOU HAD.
YOU'RE 30.
[ Mocking laughter ]
GO AWAY! SORRY, GRAMPA.
I SAID GO AWAY.
NO SUCH LUCK.
Justin: GRAB HIM!
Ted: CAREFUL, HE BITES.
Melanie: GET HIS GUCCI,
PRADA, ARMANI.
JESUS, WHAT A LABEL QUEEN.
Lindsay: UPSY-DAISY.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
BELIEVE ME, BRIAN, THIS IS GOING TO HURT YOU
A LOT MORE THAN IT'S GOING TO HURT US.
GET HIM!
[ Laughing ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Church ?????? ]
WHAT IS THIS?
YOUR OFFICIAL MEMBERSHIP
TO THE DEAD FAGGOTS SOCIETY.
AND WHO ARE YOU, THE FUCKING FOUNDING FATHER?
OH, YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY ARE GOING TO NEED TO GET SOME NEW MATERIAL,
NOW THAT YOU ARE... ONE OF "US".
Michael: WAIT, SHOULDN'T HE MAKE A WISH FIRST?
OH, HON, HE ALREADY HAS.
HE'S STILL 30.
HEY, WHO WANTS SOME DEATHDAY CAKE?
OH, YEAH.
DEATHDAY CAKE?
Justin: I'LL HAVE SOME...
SINCE I WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE WHOLE AGE ISSUE
FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.
IT'S NOT SO BAD.
YOU FORGET ABOUT IT, YOU GO ON.
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVE.
THINK OF ALL THE FUN YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE,
GOING TO NEW YORK, PARTYING WITH THE BIG BOYS.
YOU'VE JUST ONLY BEGUN TO FUCK.
I'M NOT GOING TO NEW YORK.
Justin: WHAT?
Melanie: HUH? I SAID I'M NOT...
I'M NOT GOING TO NEW YORK.
[ Mixed chatter ]
THE JOB FELL THROUGH.
WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
YOU'VE GOT YOUR PLANS WITH DAVID.
I KNOW, BUT...
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
Justin: NO BIG DEAL?
IT'S ALL YOU'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT,
LEAVING, NOT LOOKING BACK.
YOU EVEN PUT YOUR LOFT ON THE MARKET.
WELL, I CAN JUST TAKE IT OFF THE MARKET.
ANYWAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
I'M ALREADY DEAD.
[ Popping of balloon ] [ Yelps of surprise ]
Man: OKAY, STUFF MARKED "P", WHERE DOES THAT GO?
David: ALL BOXES MARKED WITH "P" GO TO PORTLAND.
Man: "S"? STORAGE.
HEY, MICHAEL!
YOU DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THE MOVING MEN WERE COMING TODAY.
OH, I THOUGHT I DID.
THAT ONE'S STORAGE. OKAY?
I BETTER FINISH PACKING MY STUFF.
NO, IT'S OKAY.
I DID IT.
BUT I DON'T KNOW...
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S AN "S" AND WHAT'S A "P".
CAPTAIN ASTRO, ROBOTS, COMIC BOOKS ARE A "P",
CLOTHES, VIDEO EQUIPMENT... OH, AND...
YOU SHOULD GIVE THIS TO YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR MOTHER.
THAT'S OUR NEW ADDRESS.
NEW ADDRESS? WHEN DID WE...
WHEN DID WE GET A PLACE?
I RENTED A HOUSE ON THE INTERNET.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
WELL, THERE JUST WASN'T TIME. I MEAN, WE WOULD'VE LOST IT.
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THE PLACE, IT'S GOT AN ATRIUM, A POOL...
SOUNDS GREAT. UM...
LOOK, I'M GOING TO GO PICK UP THE TICKETS.
NO, DON'T HAVE TO.
I DID IT.
OH. OH, WELL...
OKAY. THEN I'M GOING TO CALL TED.
HE WAS GOING TO GIVE US A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT.
NO NEED. I BOOKED A CAR.
IS THERE ANY- THING I CAN DO?
UH, YEAH, YOU CAN...
STAND THERE AND LOOK GORGEOUS,
WHICH YOU DO SO BEAUTIFULLY.
ISN'T IT GREAT TO BE IN LOVE WITH A GUY WHO DOES EVERYTHING?
YEAH. UM...
SO I GUESS I'LL JUST GO TO THE BEAUTY PARLOUR
AND GET MY NAILS DONE.
WHEN BINDER CALLS FROM THE ACLU, PUT HIM RIGHT THROUGH.
WELL, THIS DAY IS JUST FULL OF SURPRISES.
IS THIS A FUN VISIT OR DO YOU TWO NEED A GOOD LAWYER?
HM, WHAT WE NEED IS A GOOD LUNCH.
[ Chuckling ]
WE THOUGHT WE'D... TAKE BLAKE OUT, IF YOU CAN SPARE HIM.
OH, I'D BE HAPPY TO, IF HE WAS HERE.
HE HASN'T COME IN TODAY.
OH... THAT'S RIGHT.
I-I FORGOT THAT HE...
HE MENTIONED THIS MORNING HE WASN'T FEELING WELL.
HE, UH... YEAH, I... I THINK HE'S GOT THE FLU...
OR SOMETHING AND, UH...
H-HE DIDN'T WANT TO SHARE HIS GERMS WITH ANYONE.
WELL, THAT'S THOUGHTFUL BUT FRANKLY, TEDDY,
THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME. AND WHEN HE IS HERE, HE'S SLOW
AND HE DOESN'T COMPLETE TASKS WE ASSIGN HIM.
THE OTHER PARTNERS ARE PISSED. THEY WANT HIM GONE.
Secretary: MELANIE, LINE ONE. WELL, I MEAN...
I'LL TALK TO HIM. I-I DON'T KNOW... OH, THAT'S MY CALL.
'SCUSE ME, GUYS.
YES, HI. THIS IS MELANIE MARCUS.
UH, I'M GETTING...
DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
ME? OH, I WOULDN'T DREAM OF IT.
EXCEPT IT'S NOT HIS GERMS HE DIDN'T WANT TO SHARE.
IT'S HIS DRUGS.
THANK YOU FOR NOT SAYING ANYTHING.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING CYNICAL?
I'M NOT CYNICAL. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'D RATHER BE FUCKING CYNICAL THAN IN FUCKING DENIAL.
[ Clearing of throat ]
WELL, HE HAS A COLD AND A SORE THROAT
ACCOMPANIED BY THE ACHES AND PAINS OF FEVER AND CONGESTION.
IF THE SYMPTOMS PERSIST, WE'LL CONSULT A PHYSICIAN.
NOW, LET'S GO TO THE SHRIMPBOAT.
Debbie: YOU'LL LOVE THE BARBECUE, JEN.
IT'S A P-FLAG TRADITION.
Vic: DEBBIE STARTED IT.
THERE'RE SO MANY SERIOUS ISSUES TO DEAL WITH,
I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS A NICE WAY TO HAVE FUN WITH YOUR KIDS.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
I'M NOT THAT SURE HOW EAGER JUSTIN'S GOING TO BE.
I'LL WORK ON HIM.
THEY'VE GOT EVERYTHING ON STAMPS THESE DAYS.
COMPOSERS, BIRDS,
EVEN THE THREE STOOGES.
SO WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO HAVE "FAMOUS FAGS"?
[ Chuckling ]
YOU CAN BE ON THE 69-CENT STAMP, HONEY.
[ Laughing ]
HEY, MOM.
HI. HI.
[ Chuckling ]
YOU'RE GOING WITH YOUR MOM TO THE P-FLAG BARBECUE
AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD ABOUT IT.
OKAY.
HOW DO YOU THINK I GOT MICHAEL TO GO ALL THOSE YEARS?
IT'S THE FIRST ONE HE'S GONNA HAVE MISSED SINCE HE WAS 18.
WELL, AT LEAST HE'S WHERE HE BELONGS,
WITH THE MAN HE LOVES.
ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE GODDAMN WORLD.
Justin: LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, DEB;
YOU'VE HAD HIM ALL THIS TIME.
LISTEN TO HIM.
TELL YOU WHAT, WE CAN SHARE JUSTIN.
Debbie: PRETTY SOON HE'LL BE GONE TOO.
GRADUATION'S COMING UP...
THE PROM...
Vic: THE PROM.
I WENT WITH CONNIE COSTELLO. [ Mocking laugh ]
200 POUNDS WRAPPED IN PURPLE SATIN.
SHE WAS LIKE A STUFFED GRAPE LEAF.
Debbie: [ Laughing ]
OF COURSE, I COULDN'T TAKE WHO I REALLY WANTED TO.
LANCE ROCCO.
PISSER OF A KISSER.
I WOUND UP DANCING WITH CONNIE.
HE WOUND UP NOT GOING AT ALL.
YEAH, I'M NOT GOING EITHER.
WHY NOT?
LIKE VIC SAID, IT'S FOR STRAIGHT KIDS.
I THINK THE PROM'S FOR EVERYONE, STRAIGHT OR GAY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S ONE OF THOSE... THOSE GROWING UP EXPERIENCES.
YOU KNOW, WHAT IN THE HELL DO THEY CALL IT?
RITES OF PASSAGE?
THAT'S IT.
IT'S LIKE... LIKE LOSING YOUR VIRGINITY
OR... OR... OR GETTING YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE.
I'D JUST HATE TO SEE YOU DEPRIVE YOURSELF OF THE EXPERIENCE
BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU DON'T BELONG.
[ Opera ?????? ]
[ Sigh ]
[ Opening of door ]
[ Opera ?????? ]
[ Stopping of ?????? ]
HEY, TEDDY.
WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?
OUT.
HOW'RE YOU FEELING?
GREAT.
THEN WHY WEREN'T YOU AT WORK?
I STOPPED BY TO TAKE YOU OUT TO LUNCH,
MELANIE SAID YOU'D CALLED IN SICK.
MM, MM-HM...
HMMM.
HMM!
YEAH. I HAD, UH...
HUH...
ONE OF THOSE 24-HOUR BUG THINGS. BUT...
I'M FEELING A LOT BETTER NOW.
WELL, YOU'D BETTER NOT MISS ANY MORE DAYS BECAUSE...
THEY MIGHT...
[ Chuckling ] DON'T WORRY.
I'LL BE THERE ALL BRIGHT-EYED AND BUSHY-TAILED...
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
UH-HUH. PROMISE.
GOOD... [ Chuckle ]
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE Y-YOU'RE DOING... YOU'RE DOING SO WELL.
SO... REALLY WELL.
[ Stammering ] I-I-I'D HATE TO SEE YOU...
FUCK ME.
WHAT?
I SAID,
"FUCK ME".
BLAKE, A-ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?
HEY...
WHAT'RE YOU... ?
MMM. WHAT'RE YOU...?
I... WANT YOU...
TO FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF ME, ALL NIGHT LONG.
ALL RIGHT, STOP IT.
STOP!
I SAID STOP IT!
I WANT IT!
PLEASE?
[ Panting ]
COME ON.
[ Unzipping of fly ]
[ Panting ]
GIVE IT TO ME.
OH, YEAH.
[ Moaning/ panting ]
[ ?????? ]
Brian: DOUBLE ABSOLUT.
Michael: DIET PEPSI.
Emmett: GRAND MARNIER COSMO.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT?
THIS MAY BE THE LAST TIME WE'RE EVER STANDING HERE
AT THIS BAR ORDERING DRINKS.
IS THAT ALL? I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING SERIOUS.
THINK THEY HAVE A BABYLON IN PORTLAND?
HUH, YOU THINK THEY HAVE ANY QUEERS IN PORTLAND?
WELL, THERE WILL BE AT LEAST TWO THAT WE KNOW OF.
WELL, YOU'RE GOING TO COME AND VISIT ME, WON'T YOU?
IF YOU WANTED VISITORS,
YOU PROBABLY SHOULD'VE MOVED TO SOUTH BEACH.
OH... MIKEY.
THIS MIGHT BE THE LAST TIME WE SEE EACH OTHER.
I'M GOING TO MISS YOU SO MUCH.
[ Sniffling ] NO. NO, I'M NOT GOING TO CRY.
AS MARTHA STEWART SAYS,
WHEN LIFE GETS YOU DOWN,
HAVE A PARTY.
SO THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO. I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A PARTY.
OKAY, WE'LL NEED A THEME.
NEED A THEME, UM...
WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY HAVE IN PORTLAND?
LUMBERJACKS?
OH, MAYBE I WILL COME PAY YOU A VISIT.
OH MY GOD! I'VE GOT IT.
FLANNEL.
WE'LL ALL WEAR FLANNEL.
OH, THAT'S PERFECT.
AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY, YOU COULD ALWAYS BORROW SOME
FROM LINDSAY AND MELANIE.
THERE, I...
I FEEL MUCH BETTER ALREADY.
OH, MY GOD. [ Sobbing ]
MY LIFE'S GOING TO BE SO EMPTY.
YOU STILL HAVE ME. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
HURRAY.
[ ?????? ]
Michael: BRIAN...
[ ?????? ]
Michael: BRIAN!
[ ?????? ]
BRIAN, WAIT A SECOND.
GO HOME AND PACK.
DAVID'S TAKING CARE OF THAT.
HE'S... HE'S TAKING CARE OF EVERYTHING.
WHAT DO YOU PLAN ON DOING WHEN YOU GET TO FABULOUS PORTLAND?
ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE ALL THAT UP TO DAVID TOO?
I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT.
YOU KNOW, WE'VE JUST BEEN SO BUSY.
LEASING HIS HOUSE, AND... AND TAKING CARE OF HIS PRACTICE
AND SHIPPING HIS CAR...
FUCK "HIS".
WHAT ABOUT "YOURS"?
YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK IT.
DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
[ ?????? ]
HE'S FAR TOO YOUNG FOR YOU.
DO YOU WANT TO DANCE?
NO, AT MY ADVANCED YEARS
I MIGHT FALL AND BREAK MY HIP.
NAH, WOULD YOU STOP WITH THE OLD AGE SHIT ALREADY?
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE 40.
WHAT'RE YOU DOING ON FRIDAY NIGHT?
FRIDAY, FRIDAY, FRIDAY...
I DON'T KNOW, MY SHORT- TERM MEMORY'S NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE. UH...
DO YOU WANNA COME TO MY PROM WITH ME?
AS WHAT? YOUR CHAPERONE?
AS MY DATE.
HUH... I'D LOVE TO.
YEAH?
BUT MY PROM DRESS IS STILL AT THE DRY CLEANERS.
OH, COME ON.
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
GO AND ASK SOME GIRL.
I DON'T WANT TO GO WITH SOME GIRL.
I WANT TO GO WITH SOMEONE I CARE ABOUT.
IF THAT HAPPENS TO BE A GUY, WHO CARES?
YOU KNOW, THAT'S JUST WHAT I NEED,
TO BE AT A DANCE WITH A BUNCH OF FUCKING 18-YEAR-OLDS.
I THOUGHT YOU LIKED FUCKING 18-YEAR-OLDS.
GO BUY A CORSAGE...
FOR SOMEONE ELSE.
SOMEBODY LOOKS ALL FUCKED OUT.
[ Sighing ] SOMEBODY IS.
SOMEBODY NEEDS VITAMINS.
COFFEE... OVER HERE.
BLAKE AND I HAD SEX ALL NIGHT.
[ Chuckling ]
GOT A HALF- HOUR'S SLEEP.
OKAY, THIS IS WHAT WE CALL A "HIGH-END" PROBLEM.
ONLY IT WASN'T HIM I WAS FUCKING.
IT WAS SOME DRUG.
DON'T LOOK SO GODDAMN SMUG.
YOU WERE RIGHT, OKAY? YOU HAPPY?
NO... TEDDY, I'M NOT HAPPY.
I'M SORRY.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO?
[ Sighing ] SIMPLE, HONEY.
YOU'RE GOING TO DRINK YOUR COFFEE.
HERE'S THE CREAM.
THEN YOU'RE GOING TO GO HOME...
AND YOU'RE GOING TO CHANGE THE LOCKS.
JUST SHUT HIM OUT, LIKE HE DOESN'T EXIST?
WELL, THAT OR YOU CAN KEEP LYING TO YOURSELF,
YOU KNOW, MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM,
LIVING IN A STATE OF PANIC EVERY TIME HE DISAPPEARS,
NOT KNOWING IF HE'S ALIVE OR DEAD.
AND THEN WHEN HE FINALLY SHOWS UP A MESS,
HAVING THE SUPREME JOY OF PUTTING HIM BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.
I-I... I CAN'T.
[ Stammering ] I... I CAN'T DO THAT.
I JUST... I JUST... OKAY.
OKAY, OKAY.
THEN, UM... THEN LET'S TRY DOOR NUMBER TWO.
"AUNT BETTY'S B & B".
HE CAN, UH... HE CAN JOIN THE LONG LIST OF ILLUSTRIOUS GUESTS,
LIKE LIZ AND LIZA.
PLUS, UH...
IT'LL BE A GOOD TEST...
TO SEE WHO HE LOVES MORE,
YOU...
OR CRYSTAL.
FAG!
FUCK YOU, HOBBS.
Daphne: YOU OKAY?
WHAT AN ASSHOLE.
THANK GOD I WON'T HAVE TO SEE HIM AGAIN
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
YEAH, OR... ANYONE ELSE HERE EITHER.
I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT YOU.
[ Ringing of class bell ]
SO, ARE YOU GOING TO THE PROM?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
I KNOW.
I WASN'T GONNA GO EITHER,
BUT DEB SAID IT WAS THIS RITE OF PASSAGE
AND IF I MISSED IT, THEN I WOULD REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
SO I ASKED BRIAN. NO!
HE TURNED ME DOWN, THOUGH.
OH, SHIT!
CAN YOU IMAGINE?
PEOPLE'S HEADS WOULD'VE EXPLODED. I KNOW.
IT WOULD'VE BEEN THE PERFECT
"FUCK YOU AND FAREWELL TO ST. JAMES ACADEMY".
I MISSED YOU, DAPH.
YOU TOO.
SO...
HOW ABOUT YOU AND ME GOING TOGETHER?
LIKE A DATE?
MMM, LIKE FRIENDS...
BEST FRIENDS.
ONLY...
WEIRDNESS OVER?
WEIRDNESS DEFINITELY OVER.
OKAY. [ Giggle ]
OH, I THINK THAT'S SO ADORABLE THAT HE ASKED YOU...
DESPITE THE SOMEWHAT QUESTION- ABLE DIFFERENCE IN YOUR AGES
AND THE FACT THAT EMOTIONALLY HE'S 12 YEARS YOUR SENIOR.
NOT GOING. TOO OLD.
OH, SO YOU'RE 30. I KNOW,
IT'S SO TRAUMATIC, BUT IT IS SOMETHING WE ALL GO THROUGH.
IF YOU'RE LUCKY ENOUGH TO LIVE THAT LONG.
BUT TO CARRY ON LIKE IT'S THE END OF YOUR LIFE?
IT IS.
IT'S THE BEGINNING.
A WHOLE NEW WAY OF THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF.
FEELING A WHOLE NEW SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT,
AND ACCOMPLISHMENT.
THAT'S FROM THE "LA JEUNESSE" ANTI- AGING COMMERCIAL.
I WROTE THAT FUCKING COPY.
OH-H...
OKAY. WELL, I GUESS I ONLY QUOTE FROM THE MASTERS. HMM.
BUT IT'S THE TRUTH.
I WANT WRINKLES, I WANT TO HAVE GREY HAIR.
I WANT GUS TO MAKE ME A GRANDMOTHER.
I WANT TO GROW OLD WITH MELANIE.
DO YOU WANT ME TO PUKE RIGHT HERE?
I DON'T WANT GREY HAIR AND WRINKLES.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A GRANDFATHER.
AND I DEFINITELY...
DON'T WANT TO GROW OLD WITH MELANIE...
OR ANYONE ELSE. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
THIS.
IT'S VERY BEAUTIFUL.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAYBE I SHOULD CELEBRATE TURNING 30.
GIVE MYSELF SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL.
NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
DAVID? DAVID?
WHAT IS IT? WHERE'S MY PLAID FLANNEL?
IT USED TO BE RIGHT HERE.
OH, OH, I PACKED IT.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO WEAR TO EMMETT'S PARTY?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WEAR FLANNEL.
HERE.
TRY THAT ON. THANKS.
YOU'LL LOOK GOOD IN THAT.
THAT'S TOO SMALL ON ME. YOU KEEP IT.
I DON'T NEED YOUR HAND-ME-DOWNS.
WHAT I NEED IS... SOMEBODY WHO LISTENS TO ME.
WHAT?
WELL, TO THINK ABOUT...
W-WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WHEN WE GET TO PORTLAND.
I MEAN, WE HAVEN'T EVEN DISCUSSED IT.
OKAY, LET'S DISCUSS IT.
W-WELL, I... I THOUGHT THAT, UM...
YOU KNOW, MAYBE I WOULDN'T WORK AT ANOTHER BIG Q,
YOU KNOW, THAT MAYBE I'D, UH...
UM... I-I'D TRY SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
YOU KNOW, A WHOLE NEW TRACK,
MAYBE EVEN GO BACK TO COLLEGE.
UM...
UH... OH, I JUST REMEMBERED,
I TOLD THE PEOPLE THAT ARE LEASING THE HOUSE
I'D PUT THE SCREEN DOORS IN BEFORE WE LEFT.
OH, I CAN DO IT.
OH, THAT'S OKAY. I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
WELL, I USED TO HELP MY MOM PUT ON THE SCREEN DOORS EVERY YEAR.
IT'S OKAY, I'M GOOD WITH MY HANDS, REMEMBER?
[ Crying of night bird ] [ Buzzing of insects ]
Debbie: HE-E-E-E-EY!
HI, HONEY. COME IN, COME IN, COME IN.
OKAY!
HI, BABY. AWW...
[ Bawling of moose ]
I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A FUCKIN' FOREST.
IT EVEN SMELLS LIKE A FUCKIN' FOREST.
THAT WOULD BE THE MIRACLE
OF PINE-SCENTED SPRAY.
All: OH, GOD!
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE GREAT NORTHWEST, MA.
TO MAKE DAVID AND ME FEEL AT HOME.
ALL WE NEED NOW IS A BEAR TO SHIT IN THE WOODS.
I COULD ASK BIG HAIRY AL
WHO WORKS AT THE MANHOLE TO COME OVER.
HE'S INTO SCAT.
EWW, JESUS.
COVER YOUR EARS, SWEETHEART,
YOUR AUNTY EM IS BEING GROSS.
WHAT?
YOU SAID WEAR FLANNEL.
MAY I SAY, YOU TWO HAVE NEVER LOOKED MORE...
BUTCH.
[ Scoffing ] WELL, NEITHER HAVE YOU.
Ted: FLANNEL.
ISN'T THAT LESBIAN LINGERIE?
[ Laughter ]
STICK A DICK IN IT, WOULD YOU?
Lindsay: I THINK THAT'S FUNNY.
WHERE'S BRIAN?
HE'S ALWAYS FASH- IONABLY LATE.
[ ?????? ]
[ "North To Alaska" ?????? ]
HAVE YOU TALKED TO HIM YET?
ARE THESE BUTTERMILK?
NO.
WELL, MAY I SUGGEST,
AS YOUR HOSTESS FOR THE EVENING
THAT YOU DO SO?
IT'S A GOODBYE PARTY, NOT AN INTERVENTION.
THEN THE SOONER YOU SAY GOODBYE, THE BETTER.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE TO ME RIGHT NOW.
I'M NOT LEAVING TILL TOMORROW.
WE WEREN'T TALKING ABOUT YOU, SWEETIE.
SO, YOU ALL PACKED?
YEAH, MY ENTIRE LIFE IS ON A MOVING VAN
HEADED TO PORTLAND.
YOU AREN'T GETTING COLD FEET, ARE YOU?
I HAVEN'T HAD COLD FEET SINCE I LIVED HERE.
REMEMBER BANGING ON THE PIPES
SO THE LANDLORD WOULD TURN ON SOME HEAT?
IT'S BETTER THAN BANGING THE LANDLORD.
[ Chuckling ] WELL...
WELL, HONEY...
YOU EVER WANT TO COME HOME, YOU JUST, UM...
YOU JUST CLICK YOUR HEELS THREE TIMES.
[ Sobbing ]
I GUESS I'LL MISS YOU MOST OF ALL, SCARECROW.
[ ?????? ]
POOR GUYS.
ARE THEY GONNA BE ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, THEY'LL BE FINE.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
FOR CHRISSAKES, MICHAEL, YOU'RE ONLY GOING TO PORTLAND,
NOT TO THE MOON.
THEY GOT PLANES AND PHONES
THAT GO BOTH WAYS, HONEY.
AND YOU AND UNCLE VIC CAN COME AND VISIT
ANY TIME YOU WANT.
WE MAY TAKE YOU UP ON THAT.
BUT LIKE I SAID, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
ISN'T THAT WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING, VIC?
SHE'S BEEN SAYING THAT.
SO GIVE ME A HUG, AND THAT'LL BE THAT.
[ Deep sigh ]
MA?
ARE YOU GOING TO LET ME GO?
I'D LIKE TO SWEETHEART, BUT I CAN'T.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU CAN'T?
MY ARMS WON'T MOVE.
MA, YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME.
I'M NOT FUCKIN' KIDDING.
DAVID, UNCLE VIC?
David: OH, OKAY, OKAY.
Vic: COME ON, LET'S GIVE HER A PULL. ON THREE...
[ ?????? ]
?? HAPPY FEET ??
?? I'VE GOT THOSE HAPPY FEET ??
?? GIVE THEM A LOW-DOWN BEAT ??
?? AND THEY BEGIN DANCING ??
COME HERE. I DIDN'T TOUCH ANYTHING IN YOUR ROOM.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY.
LOOK, I NEED YOU TO DO ME A FAVOUR.
WHAT, DISAPPEAR?
I GAVE UP ALL HOPE OF THAT HAPPENING A LONG TIME AGO.
I NEED YOU TO TAKE CARE OF MY MOM WHILE I'M AWAY.
YOU KNOW, MAKE SURE SHE DOESN'T WORK TOO HARD, AND...
AND HELP HER AROUND THE HOUSE, AND... AND TAKE OUT THE TRASH.
AND IF YOU SEE THAT SHE IS LONELY,
JUST SIT WITH HER A WHILE
AND LET HER TALK.
EVEN IF YOU'VE HEARD IT BEFORE.
BECAUSE SOMETIMES SHE JUST NEEDS TO KNOW THAT SOME- ONE'S LISTENING.
I PROMISE.
[ Laughter ]
[ Mixed chatter ]
I LOVE YOUR FRIENDS.
THEY ARE LIKE FAMILY.
NOT "LIKE"; THEY ARE.
HMM.
IT'S BECAUSE WE TRUST EACH OTHER.
WHOA.
YOU DON'T TRUST ME?
DO I HAVE REASON NOT TO?
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, LET'S NOT PRETEND THERE ISN'T A MOOSE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM, OKAY? [ Laughing ]
I KNOW YOU'RE USING AGAIN.
I FOUND ONE OF YOUR LITTLE "FAVOURS"
IN THE POCKET OF THE SUIT I BOUGHT YOU.
HUH, TALK ABOUT TRUST.
I WASN'T LOOKING FOR IT. OKAY, IT JUST FELL OUT.
YOU CAN BELIEVE ME OR NOT, I REALLY DON'T CARE.
SINCE THEN, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO PRETEND I DIDN'T SEE IT.
ONLY, I CAN'T.
NOT WHEN I SEE YOU DESTROYING YOUR LIFE.
I WAS AFRAID OF DISAPPOINTING YOU, OF FAILING AGAIN.
WELL, YOU HAVE.
AND I CAN'T LIVE WITH AN ADDICT.
AND I CAN'T MAKE LOVE TO AN ADDICT.
AND IT SICKENS ME
TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO A PERSON
I HAPPEN TO CARE A WHOLE LOT ABOUT
WHO OBVIOUSLY CARES SO LITTLE ABOUT HIMSELF.
SO I HAVE NO CHOICE...
EXCEPT TO SAY GOODBYE.
Blake: I DON'T WANNA BE LIKE THIS!
[ ?????? ]
THEN CHECK YOURSELF INTO REHAB.
[ Sigh ]
[ ?????? ]
HM. UH, MOOSE JERKY?
Various: [ Chuckling ]
IT'S HARDER THAN I THOUGHT... SAYING GOODBYE.
IT'S A GOOD THING WE'RE LEAVING FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
ACTUALLY, I CHANGED THE RESERVATION FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.
WHAT?
I SAID I CHANGED THE RESERVATION TILL TOMORR...
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
WELL, DOES IT MATTER?
OBVIOUSLY NOT.
WELL, MICHAEL, IT'S JUST A LITTLE CHANGE OF PLAN.
I'VE JUST GOT A FEW THINGS I GOTTA CLEAR UP...
WHICH I COULD'VE HELPED YOU WITH,
EXCEPT... EVERY TIME I OFFER, YOU REFUSE.
YOU HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING YOURSELF.
I JUST THOUGHT...
NO, YOU JUST THOUGHT I COULDN'T HANDLE IT.
THAT I CAN'T HANG A FUCKING SCREEN DOOR.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
YOU JUST THINK I'M GOING TO GO ALONG,
DO WHATEVER YOU WANT,
ON YOUR TERMS AND YOUR TIME.
LIKE A CHILD, OR A... OR A TROPHY WIFE.
YOU JUST MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS, AND I'LL SAY "YES, DEAR".
ONLY I'M THE ONE GIVING UP EVERYTHING IN MY GODDAMN LIFE.
MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS, MY JOB TO BE WITH YOU.
AND I HAVE TO WONDER,
THAT IF THE SITUATION WAS REVERSED,
WOULD YOU HAVE DONE THE SAME FOR ME?
WELL, I GUESS THAT'S AN ANSWER.
[ ?????? ]
[ Panting ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Sliding of door ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Groan ]
OHH... OHH...
[ Chuckle of disbelief ]
FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU!
ASSHOLE!
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING?
WHAT THE FUCK AREYOUDOING?
I CAME HERE TO SEE WHY YOU DIDN'T COME TO MY FAREWELL PARTY.
WHAT PARTY?
YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL.
EVERYBODY WAS THERE BUT YOU.
OH, RIGHT, DAVID AND MICHAEL'S "FAREWELL IN FLANNEL".
[ Groan ]
WELL, I'VE BEEN HAVING A LITTLE CELE- BRATION OF MY OWN
IN HONOUR OF MY BIG THREE-OH.
WITH THIS?
YEAH, TO GIVE MYSELF A VERY SPECIAL GIFT.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE THE GREATEST FUCKING ORGASM OF MY LIFE.
TRY THE LAST FUCKING ORGASM OF YOUR LIFE.
YOU COULD KILL YOURSELF.
WELL, THAT WOULDN'T BE THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN.
TO GO OUT IN A BLAZE OF GLORY,
LIKE COBAIN...
JAMES DEAN...
HENDRIX.
THEY'RE ALL LEGENDS.
THEY'LL ALWAYS BE YOUNG.
AND THEY'LL ALWAYS BE BEAUTIFUL.
AND THEY'LL ALWAYS BE DEAD.
"LIFE NOT WORTH LIVING IF YOU NOT TAKE RISK."
YOU'RE NOT GOING THROUGH WITH IT.
IF I WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE JOYS OF SCARFING,
WHAT THE HELL BUSINESS IS IT OF YOURS?
IT'S MY BUSINESS 'CAUSE I'M THE ONE WHO'LL GET THE CALL
THAT THE GOD- DAMN CLEANING LADY'S FOUND YOU
HANGING FROM THE RAFTERS WITH A FUCKING BONER.
AH... FUCK YOU, MICHAEL.
FUCK YOU.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING?
RUIN? I'M SAVING YOU! AH?
JUST LIKE TOBY HARPER SAVED CAPTAIN ASTRO
IN ISSUE 231 OF ASTRO COMICS.
WHEN CAPTAIN ASTRO THOUGHT THAT HE'D LOST ALL OF HIS SUPERPOWER.
GOD, YOU ARE SO PATHETIC.
NO,YOU ARE!
DON'T YOU KNOW THAT YOU STILL HAVE YOUR POWERS?
ALL YOUR POWERS.
AND YOU ALWAYS WILL.
WHETHER YOU'RE 18 OR YOU'RE 30,
OR YOU'RE 50, OR YOU'RE 100.
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE YOUNG
AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU'RE BRIAN KINNEY, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
[ Ringing of telephone ]
WELL, THE STAFF SEEMS VERY NICE.
THEY'RE REALLY HELPFUL.
THEY DO. YEAH.
THEY SAID YOU CAN GET ANYTHING YOU WANT, ANYTIME.
YOU KNOW, THEY GOT SNACKS ALL DAY... THAT'S GOOD.
YEAH. AND IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, YOU JUST, UM...
I... I WILL.
LOOK, I-I... I WANT YOU TO KNOW
HOW HAPPY...
WELL... HAPPY'S NOT THE RIGHT WORD.
[ Mumbling ] NOT HAPPY, BUT UH... GRATEFUL
AND RELIEVED
I AM THAT YOU'RE DOING THIS.
WELL, IT'S FOR US, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
[ Sighing ]
SO...
I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT? TONIGHT.
OH, ONE MORE THING BEFORE I FORGET...
HUH, THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO LISTEN TO THAT.
"LA TRAVIATA".
YOUR FAVOUR- ITE OPERA. YEAH, IT'S...
THE ONLY OPERA THAT... I KNOW.
EXCEPT...
YOU SAID AT THE END THEY GET BACK TOGETHER
AND SING MANY GLORIOUS DUETS.
GUESS THAT'S THE SEQUEL.
"TRAVIATA 2".
CONSIDERING HOW YOU FEEL,
I THINK IT'S PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA THAT YOU NOT GO.
YOU THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA.
FOR CHRISSAKES, MICHAEL, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?
"WETHINK." YOU KNOW, IF YOU USED THE WORD OCCASIONALLY
YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY GET USED TO IT.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S OBVIOUSLY DECIDED IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA.
ONLY THIS TIME IT'S NOT ABOUT SCREEN DOORS
OR CHANGING FLIGHTS. THIS TIME IT'S ABOUT BRIAN.
IF YOU KNEW HE WASN'T LEAVING,
YOU WOULD'VE NEVER AGREED TO GO.
NO, DAVID.
YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW, THIS TIME IT'S NOT ABOUT HIM.
IT'S ABOUT YOU.
THE CAR'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
I CAN TAKE YOU TO THE AIRPORT.
I KNOW YOU CAN, BUT I'D RATHER YOU DIDN'T.
OKAY, FINE. HAVE IT YOUR WAY.
THE WAY I ALWAYS DO?
THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY.
I'M SORRY.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP APOLOGIZING, MICHAEL?
I KNOW I DON'T, BUT...
ASIDE FROM THAT...
I'M THE ONE THAT SHOULD BE APOLO- GIZING TO YOU.
I'M SORRY I DISREGARDED YOUR FEELINGS,
THAT I DIDN'T INCLUDE YOU IN THE DECISIONS,
THAT I EXPECTED YOU TO COME, AND, NO...
I'M NOT SURE THAT I COULD DO THE SAME.
WELL, I APPRE- CIATE THAT, BUT THAT'S...
THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY.
IT'S NOT UP TO YOU
TO DECIDE WHAT I SHOULD DO WITH MY LIFE.
THAT'S UP TO ME.
AND IF I DIDN'T DO IT, THEN IT'S MY FAULT.
AND...
MAYBE NEXT TIME I SHOULD JUST...
I SHOULD THINK THINGS THROUGH MORE CLEARLY BEFORE I SAY... YES.
WELL, I HOPE YOU'LL DECIDE TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.
AND IF YOU DO...
I'LL BE WAITING.
AND THIS TIME,
ON YOUR TIME... AND YOUR TERMS.
[ Honking of car horn ]
ATTENTION, EVERYONE.
REMEMBER THAT CUTE LITTLE TWINK
IN THE MIDRIFF-T AND FATIGUES
WHO WENT UP THE STAIRS?
WELL, JUST TAKE A LOOK AT WHO IS COMING DOWN.
[ Gasps of wonder ]
HOLY SHIT, SUNSHINE!
Vic: WELL, WHAT DO YA KNOW?
THE LITTLE CHICKEN'S BECOME
COCK-OF-THE-WALK.
SWEETHEART, YOU LOOK... BEAUTIFUL.
JESUS, I COULD GO FOR YOU MYSELF.
IF I DON'T BEAT YOU TO HIM. [ Giggling ]
[ ?????? ]
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BROUGHT YOUR AUTOGRAPH BOOK WITH YOU.
WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW WHO YOU MIGHT SEE IN REHAB.
HI, UH, WE'RE HERE TO VISIT WITH BLAKE WYZECKI.
SORRY, BLAKE CHECKED HIMSELF OUT.
HE JUST... HE JUST CHECKED HIMSELF IN THIS AFTERNOON.
HE'S GONE.
W-WHAT... WHAT, YOU JUST LET PEOPLE LEAVE WHENEVER THEY WANT?
IT'S A VOLUNTARY COMMITMENT, WE CAN'T FORCE PEOPLE TO STAY.
DID HE SAY WHERE HE WAS GOING? DID HE... DID HE LEAVE A MESSAGE?
ARE YOU TED?
THAT'S RIGHT.
HE LEFT THIS FOR YOU.
[ Ringing of telephone ]
[ ?????? ]
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD
IN A ROOM FULL OF 18-YEAR-OLDS.
I THOUGHT I'D RECAPTURE MY LOST YOUTH.
YOU LOOK HOT, DAPHNE.
[ Giggling ]
I'D FUCK YOU.
UH, YOU... YOU TOO, BRIAN.
MIND IF I BORROW YOUR DATE?
[ ?????? ]
?? YOU CAN DANCE EVERY DANCE ??
?? WITH THE GUY WHO GIVES YOU THE EYE ??
?? LET HIM HOLD YOU TIGHT ??
?? YOU CAN SMILE EVERY SMILE ??
?? FOR THE MAN WHO HELD YOUR HAND ??
?? 'NEATH THE PALE MOONLIGHT ??
?? BUT DON'T FORGET WHO'S TAKING YOU HOME ??
?? AND IN WHOSE ARMS YOU'RE GONNA BE ??
?? SO DARLING SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR ME ??
?? MMMM ??
?? OH I KNOW ??
?? THAT THE MUSIC'S FINE LIKE SPARKLING WINE ??
?? GO AND HAVE YOUR FUN ??
?? LAUGH AND SING ??
?? BUT WHILE WE'RE APART ??
?? DON'T GIVE YOUR HEART TO ANYONE ??
?? BUT DON'T FORGET WHO'S TAKING YOU HOME ??
?? AND IN WHOSE ARMS YOU'RE GONNA BE ??
?? SO DARLING SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR ME ??
?? MMMM ??
?? BABY DON'T YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU SO ??
?? CAN'T YOU FEEL IT WHEN WE TOUCH ??
?? I WILL NEVER, NEVER LET YOU GO ??
?? I LOVE YOU OH SO MUCH ??
?? YOU CAN DANCE ??
?? GO AND CARRY ON TILL THE NIGHT IS GONE ??
?? AND IT'S TIME TO GO ??
?? IF HE ASKS ??
?? IF YOU'RE ALL ALONE CAN HE TAKE YOU HOME ??
?? YOU MUST TELL HIM NO ??
?? 'CAUSE DON'T FORGET WHO'S TAKING YOU HOME ??
?? AND IN WHOSE ARMS YOU'RE GONNA BE ??
?? SO DARLING SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR ME ??
[ ?????? ]
?? 'CAUSE DON'T FORGET WHO'S TAKING YOU HOME ??
?? AND IN WHOSE ARMS YOU'RE GONNA BE ??
?? SO DARLING SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR ME ??
?? MMMM ??
?? SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR ME ??
?? MMM-MMM ??
?? SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR ME ??
?? MMM-MMM ??
?? SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR ME ??
?? MMM-HMM ??
?? SAVE THE LAST... ??
Flight announcer: AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT 476 NOW BOARDING AT GATE...
STEWARDESS? STEWARDESS,
HAS FLIGHT 990 LEFT YET?
I BELIEVE THEY'VE ALREADY STARTED BOARDING. GATE 39.
IF YOU WANT TO MAKE IT, YOU'D BETTER HURRY.
Justin: ?? DON'T FORGET WHO'S TAKING YOU HOME ??
Together: ?? AND IN WHOSE ARMS YOU'RE GONNA BE ??
[ Laughter ]
DID YOU SEE THEIR FACES?
YEAH, WE GAVE 'EM A PROM THEY'LL NEVER FORGET.
ME NEITHER.
IT'S THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.
YEAH, EVEN IF IT WAS RIDICULOUSLY ROMANTIC.
[ Starting of engine ]
LATER.
[ Chuckle ]
Brian: JUSTIN!
[ Grunt of impact ]
[ Screaming in pain ]
Hobbs: GOD... DAMMIT!
NO-NO-NO-NO- NO-NO-NO-NO-NO.
GOD!
[ Ringing of cell phone ]
[ ?????? ]
CLOSED CAPTIONED BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS
MOO!